troubled...

My heart is low today. I'm having a difficult time appreciating what I have. Is it greed to want more? Or is it simply the knowledge that if you do get more you may just be responsible to know what to do with it. I feel this way about deterministic space.

I wold never be able to explain what I really believe because I just don't have the mathematics background to do so. I know people that do and they spend their time and mathematical training making things in this dimension-basically not trying to support the theory of mind-matter unification. I don't get it, why wouldn't people want to do this? This place is less then desirable, why would most of us want to continue to live in anything but what is ideal.

Someone asked me, "would you be more happy if you had more serious problems to contend with? Maybe that way you wouldn't be distracted with things that are clearly out of your control." My answer is a resounding "no". I would simply deal with whatever discomfort has been handed to me and make more time for these issues later in the evening. The fact is that I feel like it's my mission to solve how the universe really works.

Every now and then a piece of information about quantum knowledge will surface and I'll get really excited thinking that I've found the key, the key that I've been searching for that will open epistemic doors and make all the knowledge available to the masses.

But then I realize that people don't want this. People are mostly happy with their mortgages and rents, their car payments, their bombings, their cultural differences and even celebrate them to the point of separating themselves into castes--it's disgusting.

I'm spiraling downward and I don't know what to do. The birth of my first child is pending and I have nothin g worthwhile to show this child. The only thing I have is to push this child to get good grades and enjoy Barney, Disney and then whatever kids will be into in the future--who knows. Is it fair? I feel like I don't need to be part of this child's life and yet, it's my own blood.

I pray for an answer and ask God for guidance. The only answer I get is silence.